7 Behaviors Exhibited by “Nice Guys” That Differ From Those of Good Men
Behavior That Discomfits Women by Using Sexual Innuendos and Flirting. Drawing on the “When Harry Met Sally” movie, Harry argues that men and women can’t be friends because sex eventually intervenes. As a teenager, the writer took Sally’s side and thought that (heterosexual) men and women could have a platonic friendship. However, in their forties, the writer now agrees with Harry.
Heterosexual Men Struggle to Maintain Platonic Friendships with Women. Although it’s feasible for the writer to maintain a non-romantic friendship with a man, the writer has found that men can’t reciprocate this platonic dynamic. The writer notes that discussions frequently become excessively flirtatious or involve sexual insinuations, even if the men are in a committed relationship.
I have experienced discomfort from numerous heterosexual male friends, while gay men, as well as my lesbian, bisexual, and transgender friends, do not elicit such feelings with their conversations. Straight men, on the other hand, seem to disregard boundaries that we explicitly express, despite our firmness.
Displays Inconsistent Levels of Respect Toward Women Based on Their Relationship with Him. The “nice guy” typically bestows varying degrees of respect toward women based on their relationship with him. He assesses their worth based on their role in his life. While it’s reasonable for a man to demonstrate greater respect to his mother or employer than to a casual female acquaintance, this isn’t the issue at hand. Instead, the “nice guy” may consider certain women suitable for sex but not for a serious relationship, for dating but not for marriage, or for being in a relationship but not for public acknowledgment.
In essence, the “nice guy” frequently exploits women without acknowledging it. His treatment of women is determined by his perception of their status in his life, with some receiving more respect than others. He treats women nicely only to the extent that he can benefit from them and to the extent that it can boost his social status and lifestyle. The way a “nice guy” speaks about women is telling. Conversely, a good man demonstrates respect to all individuals regardless of their romantic interest in him.
Whines About Being Stuck in the “Friend Zone.” One of the most prevalent ways that “nice guys” distinguish themselves is by incessantly complaining about being relegated to the friend zone, where potential romantic relationships supposedly go to die or languish in limbo. Despite repeated attempts to clarify the concept, “nice guys” maintain that the friend zone is a legitimate phenomenon and have no qualms about categorizing female friends based on their willingness to have sex or date them.
None of the women I spend time with have ever accused me of placing them in the friend zone, even those who are in relationships with other women. This is because the friend zone does not exist. Instead, we have people we want to date, people we want to be friends with, and people who are acquaintances, colleagues, or fit into some other category.
Women do not categorize people into friend or lover zones. If we choose to be friends with a man, it is because we value his friendship and enjoy spending time with him. We are not expecting or hoping for a romantic or sexual relationship to develop. Good men can appreciate and value friendships with women without seeing them as potential pathways to a different kind of relationship.
Expecting sex, affection, or reciprocated feelings because one is “nice” is a trait of entitled individuals, such as “nice guys.” They believe that their niceness should automatically lead to romantic or sexual interest from the people they desire. This sense of entitlement is not a sign of true kindness, as it comes with an underlying expectation of reward. In other words, their behavior is not entirely selfless.
Pay attention to how they discuss their dating experiences. Do they frequently gripe about spending money on a date that didn’t work out? Do they view the cost of a date as an investment that should lead to a specific outcome?
Genuine men don’t act nice with the ulterior motive of gaining something in return. They do what’s right simply because it’s the right thing to do, not as a means of manipulating a situation to their advantage. They don’t assume that someone should reciprocate their feelings or affection as if it’s a debt owed for their niceness. They are emotionally mature and understand that not everyone will feel the same way or have the same level of interest. Even if they face rejection, they don’t blame the other person and can handle it with maturity and grace.
The “nice guy” tends to compare his treatment of women to showcase how unappreciated or undervalued he is. He often goes on at length about how well he treats women and provides numerous examples. However, instead of eliciting appreciation, these stories often backfire and leave women feeling unfavorably treated.
He recites a litany of all the kind acts he’s done for women, but we can’t help but notice his sense of entitlement, his strong disdain for the Friend Zone, and his immature views on adult romantic relationships. While it’s possible he has performed genuinely kind gestures for women he’s interested in, he conveniently omits any mention of boundaries that they may have set and that he’s ignored, occasions where he’s used a gift or deed to manipulate a relationship, or the red flags that his overall treatment of women may have raised, which he’s blind to.
Men who are truly good are kind to everyone, regardless of gender. They don’t limit their kindness to just one group or another. Unlike the “nice guy,” they don’t feel the need to brag about their good deeds, as they don’t keep a mental scorecard of their actions. They simply treat others with respect and kindness because it’s the right thing to do. In fact, their kindness goes beyond just being “nice” – it’s a genuine desire to make the world a better place for everyone.
When it comes to past relationships, a “nice guy” often fails to take responsibility for his part in the breakup. Instead, he tends to focus on all the good things he did, all the bad things his former partner did, and how mistreated he was in the relationship. It’s important to be wary of this behavior. Talking to ex-partners or their exes can often reveal a different side of the story. I have personally experienced this phenomenon and heard stories about myself that were completely untrue. It’s essential to be accountable for our actions in a relationship and recognize that there are always two sides to every story.
“Nice guys” often fail to take responsibility for relationship issues or their role in a breakup. They tend to blame the other person, portraying themselves as the victim while describing their former partner as fickle or unreliable. Their narratives about women can sound like something straight out of a Nicholas Sparks novel, idealizing them while simultaneously blaming them for relationship problems.
Men who are truly good take responsibility for their actions in relationships. They don’t pretend to be flawless, and they don’t try to downplay their mistakes. Unlike “nice guys” who give canned answers to explain away their relationship problems, good men are honest about their shortcomings. For example, a good man might admit, “I struggled to handle conflict in my past relationships and often avoided it, which ultimately led to their breakdown.”
One thing “nice guys” tend to do that good men do not is view their single status as something that women are doing to victimize them. They believe that they are being treated unfairly for still being single. If you listen to the way they talk about the women they date, they often describe it as if they are being rejected by women who should be grateful that the “nice guy” even considered them as a partner.
He blames his single status on women who prefer bad guys instead of nice guys, or women being too picky and thinking they can find better men. He refuses to take any responsibility for his situation and doesn’t acknowledge that his own behavior may be causing issues in his dating life. Instead, he views himself as a victim and puts the blame solely on women.
Good men exist, but ‘Nice Guys’ often make more noise. It’s exhausting to deal with these individuals, not just for their romantic partners, but also in other settings like the workplace and family. They tend to cast themselves as heroes who have been wronged by the world and feel entitled to certain things. It’s a romanticized narrative that bears little resemblance to reality.
However, the reality is that they are not entitled to anything more than anyone else. Giving the bare minimum effort in treating others with consideration doesn’t entitle them to special treatment. The fact is, nobody is owed a relationship with someone else.
I could reflect on a past relationship in which I did numerous kind and thoughtful things for my former partner. It’s true; I did them all without any ulterior motives. My actions were an expression of the love and affection I had for him. Perhaps I even went overboard at times. However, it’s important to acknowledge that the nice things I did didn’t guarantee the longevity of our relationship. I didn’t do them with the expectation that the relationship would last forever.
I am capable of acknowledging my faults in the relationship and his role in its demise. Furthermore, I can highlight the positive aspects of the relationship that were successful. The relationship ultimately failed, and it had nothing to do with the fact that I was kind and caring towards my partner. I believe he did appreciate my actions, but unfortunately, that did not change his feelings towards me. Although it was painful that he did not feel the same way, he was not obligated to reciprocate my feelings. My love was not given with the expectation of receiving something in return.
People who embody the traits associated with “nice guys” can be of any gender. They often complain about their failed relationships without recognizing the behaviors and attitudes that contributed to their downfall. They shift blame to others and believe that their basic decency entitles them to special treatment. Their loud voices often overshadow the genuinely good men who quietly go about their business without expecting praise for behaving like decent human beings.